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Category Archives: parenting teens

When Good Kids Say Mean Things…How to Not Take it Personally

Posted on October 31, 2012 by Debi Bailey

One of the things I frequently hear when working with parents is, “If I had talked to my parents the way my kid talks to me, I’d have been grounded for the rest of my life.” Sound familiar? Kids these days are gutsy and say things that most of us would never have dared to say to our parents.

Parents ask, “Why is that? Why do they talk like that? How do they get away with it?”  If we realize that any control we have over our child is an illusion, I think it is of more value to ask, “How can we do things differently and get better results?”

When the relationship is contentious, I always recommend that, emotionally, parents step back far enough to not get battered by the things their kids say to and about them. The trick is to find the balance so that you don’t step back so far that you lose connection. So how do you do that?

  • Take your sail out of their wind ~Allow them to blow themselves out while you avoid getting battered by their wind. Walk away. Let them know you will be back when things are calmer. Do NOT say, “When YOU are calm.” This just escalates their feelings. No good will come from that.
  • Do NOT engage with them if they are being mean or dis-respectful. YOU need to set the precedent. Re-engage as soon as the attitude changes. Do not hold a grudge. Focus on the behavior you want.
  • Do not take them places, do things for them, or buy them things when they are being/have been rude and disrespectful. It is important, when you talk to them about what you are not doing, you tell them in a way that is firm but kind. If you threaten them  or are mean when you state your limits and boundaries,  they just see you as being mean and they get mean back.
  • Underneath any misbehavior is an unmet need…usually that need is for connection and relationship. Consider spending one-on-one time with your teen.

By the time kids leave home, most parents I know have some regrets; some “I wish I woulda…when I had the chance.” In the moment, it is hard to know what things will stay with us as the years go by. Two common regrets are:

1.  “I always wish that I had spent more time with my kids when they were at home…now I have to travel to be with them.”  I’ve never met a parent who has said, “Gosh. I really regret that I spent so much time with my kids when they were younger.”

2. “I wish I would have learned not to take things personally.” Hurt feelings and big emotions really get in the way of communication and relationship.

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Posted in communication, Discipline, education, Encouragement, families, parenting, parenting teens, power struggles, temper, Uncategorized, working with parents. Bookmark the permalink.

Ask REALLY GOOD questions (so your teen will talk to you)

Posted on February 28, 2012 by Debi Bailey

When you ask your teenager questions, do you get the standard responses of: “Yeah.” “No.” “Fine.” “Nothing.” “I don’t know.”

If you are the parent of a teen, you probably know exactly what questions elicit those responses. One parent told me, “Any of those responses would be an upgrade from what we get…all we get is a grunt.”

Have you tried everything you can think of to get an actual answer from your teen? Are you wondering, “What does it take to ask questions that elicit a response?” It’s not that easy to just start asking good questions. It takes practice.

When my kids were teenagers and I was thinking about this I realized that if my kids talked
 to me, I would have an opportunity to know what was going on in their lives. And if they listened to me I would have an opportunity to be an influence.

I realized that if my kids were going to talk to me they would have to feel safe. They would have to trust me to be able to:

  •         really hear what they were saying, without putting my own spin on it
  •         respect their opinion
  •         not use that information to become suspicious of them
We WANT to hear the good stuff. We NEED to be able to hear the hard stuff.
To that end, I promised my kids that they could talk to me about anything…and that I would always do my best not to let them see how freaked out I was by the things they were telling me. We were able to laugh about that. Then they began to test the water, starting with the easy things before, eventually, trusting me to hear the hard things.

So how do you ask the kinds of questions that actually begin a conversation with your teenager? These are the kinds of questions that elicit a response rather than shut down the conversation. 

  • First of all, your kids need to know that it is safe to talk to you and that they can trust you.
  • Tone of voice is one of the most important things. You can change curiosity into scorn or shame just with your tone of voice even if you use the very same words. Be VERY careful with your tone of voice.
  • You can ask them to share (“Tell me about that”) how they came to their beliefs — as long as you aren’t trying to change those beliefs…only to understand them.
  • When you are able to listen respectfully (without interrupting, interpreting, or intervening) your kids have an opportunity to listen to themselves. As they listen to themselves, they have an opportunity to think about (and question) their own beliefs. Give them time and encouragement to do that.
  • Before you tell them what you think, ask them if they would like some feedback? If you can offer some input? If they say “no”, accept it. “Okay. Let me know if you change your mind.” (Think about this: How many of the things you tell your teen are things that you have already told them? Many times?)
  • Remember that  judgment, criticism, embarrassment, or shame will end the conversation.
  • Ask yourself… “How would I feel if someone was talking to me the way I am talking to my kid?” If the answer is, “I wouldn’t like it,” chances are your kids don’t like it either. Now is your opportunity to upgrade how you communicate so you can say, “Yes. I would feel respected if I was talked to like this.”

(Next week we will explore what happens when there is a break in communication…and how to repair it.)

Want more tips and hints? Check out “Upcoming Workshops” or “Problems with Teens”.

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The More You Talk The Less They Listen

Posted on February 21, 2012 by Debi Bailey

Do you notice that when you begin to talk, your teenager’s eyes glaze over?

And do you keep on talking?

It’s just soooo hard not to, right?

We just know that what we have to say is SO important. They need to hear it. And maybe…if we just say it one more time…or in a different way…they’ll get it/understand/change what they are doing. And yet…the more we talk, the less they seem to listen.

Think about it...By the time your kids are teenagers, how many things do you say to them that they have not heard from you…like a bazillion times already?

What is your goal when you talk to (lecture???) your teenager? Is it to get them to think or do what YOU want them to think or do?

OR do you want them to learn to think for themselves?

Sometimes we need to find out what kids already know, what they think, and how they came to those conclusions. The way to do that is to learn to ask questions…good questions. These are the kind of questions that come from “I’m curious about what you know and what you think. I don’t already know, but I’d like to.”

And then really listen to their answer.

The next question you ask should be to follow what they have said, not to try to lead them to a conclusion you want them to come to. This is a way that kids have an opportunity to explore their beliefs with you.

The main “rules” for asking questions are:

  1. If you know the answer, don’t ask the question. Don’t set kids up to lie to you by “giving them the opportunity to tell the truth.”  Most kids won’t, if they think they can get away with it. (This does not mean that you ignore something that they have done, just that you address the issue without asking if they did it.) “We agreed that you would come straight home after school today and you went to the mall instead. These are the consequences…” Rather than asking, “What did you do after school today?”
  2. Stay curious. Don’t assume you know their answer. Don’t have an answer that you want them to give you. The point of asking questions is to get information– NOT to quiz them to see if they have listened to you and can remember something that you have told them.
Asking questions is so that you can learn how your teenager perceives the world. You can give them the gift of learning how to think…not just what to think.

So take the time to find out what your kids think, or know…or think they know. If you do this well, I guarantee it will be interesting.

(Next week we will talk about how to ask those REALLY GOOD questions so that your kids will talk to you.)

Want more tips and ideas? Check out “Upcoming Workshops” or “Problems with your teen?”

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Posted in communication, education, Encouragement, families, lying, parenting, parenting teens, powerful learning, trust. Bookmark the permalink.

Implement Those New Parenting Skills

Posted on October 3, 2011 by Debi Bailey

I spend a lot of time working with parents to help them learn new skills. I share the skill, the application, the benefit (what your child learns–how this skill applies to life lessons). I give them a handout detailing use and steps and then coach them about how they might use and incorporate this skill. They are excited and inspired!!!

When we meet the following week and I ask how it went, they say they “Didn’t have a chance to use it” or they lost their temper and just “Did what I always do” or “The dog ate my handout.”

Incorporating news skills is challenging. And “If nothing changes, nothing changes” right?

One day I was having coffee with my friend Kirstan Eventyr (who is an amazing person and wonderful resource. Check her out at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kirstin-Eventyr-MA/134149666657980) and she was sharing stories about parenting her young children. She told me about something that she calls a “Do Over”. Whenever she dealt with her kids in a way she wished she hadn’t, she would go to them and tell them she needed to have a Do Over.

I loved the idea of having an opportunity to try again. I thought of how many times I had walked away from my kids shaking my head and thinking, “I can’t believe I did/said/reacted like that…again.” I realized that we all need a Do Over from time to time.

I began to share Kirstan’s “Do Over” with my clients and realized what an powerful learning tool this could be.

Now I share the Do Over concept as a way to help parents move from theory to practice. Here’s what makes it challenging to change. You walk away from an encounter with your kid and think, “Oh yeah. I was going to try that new thing. Well…next time I’ll do that.” But “next time” never happens because the next time the situation arises, we do the same thing again and think (again), “Next time.”

Now’s your chance to change things this time!

Here is how the Do Over helps change theory to practice:

  • Take a break and get calm.
  • Decide/remember/review what new skill you wanted to practice using.
  • Apologize if necessary, but keep it light and friendly.  For example, “I’m sorry. That really wasn’t the way I wanted to handle that situation.”
  • Tell them you want a “Do Over” (Or maybe, “I’d like to try that again.”)
  • Practice your new skill.
  • Afterwards evaluate, “What worked? What didn’t? How do I want to do it next time?”
  • (You can use it to clean up any situation–with or without new skills practice.)
Here are the benefits:
  • With practice you get to actually learn those new skills (not just think about them.)
  • You have the opportunity to create positive interactions with your teen and begin to build a different way of relating to each other.
  • You show your teen “I’m not perfect” and “It’s okay to make mistakes”…especially if we learn from them/clean them up. (Don’t worry about admitting the “not perfect” part. They already know it.)
  • You teach your teen how to take responsibility and make amends. (“Here’s how to clean up the mistake I made.”)
So give it a try! Practice it!  Have fun with it! Have fun with your kids!

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Posted in education, Encouragement, families, parenting, parenting children, parenting teens, powerful learning, temper, trust, Uncategorized, working with parents. Bookmark the permalink.

Get your school year off to a great start!

Posted on August 30, 2011 by Debi Bailey

The beginning of the school year is just around the corner. This is the time that most parents begin thinking about how to have the school year go well. For the last few weeks I have been working with a lot of parents with their kids to make agreements about getting ready for the school year.

When making agreements it works best to have it be a collaborative effort rather telling your kids “how it will be”…and giving them something to rebel against. (Mediation has a high success rate because most people tend to “self-comply” when they are involved in making the agreement.)

Tips for success:

  • Choose a time to talk when your relationship is calm and the atmosphere is friendly.
  • Let your kids know, ahead of time, what your expectations are.   “We need to talk about what happens when school starts and  make some agreements about how we will deal with things.”
  • Avoid lecturing about all of the things they’ve done wrong in the past. A simple, “We’ve had problems in the past with you finishing your homework, let’s see what we can agree on to make that better this year” is all you need to say.
  • Remember that you are working together. If there is a big difference between what you want and what your kid wants and you can’t agree, consider allowing them to have an opportunity to show you that they can handle the responsibility of taking on something new.
  •  Make sure you have consequences in place.
  •  Never say, “I told you so.” (You know how much you hate it when someone says that to you, right?)
  • Make sure to address all aspects of the agreement. Get very specific.
  • Have consequences be as logical as possible.
Some common agreements:
  1. Bedtime. Decide together on bedtimes for during the week and on weekends. (“Do you want me to remind you about your bedtime?”)
  2. Get clear about what “being in bed” means to each of you? ( Getting ready for bed? Being in bed with the lights off? Being in your room for the night?)
  3. Getting up in the morning. (What do you need to do in the morning? How long does it take? What time do you need to leave?)
  4. Will you wake up by yourself? Do you want me to wake you up? What happens if you don’t get out of bed?
  5. Homework/grades~getting it done/parent involvement/grade expectations.
Some common consequences:
  1. If kids can’t be “in bed” when they have agreed to be, they need to start getting ready for bed earlier.
  2. If kids can’t get up in the morning, bedtime gets moved to an earlier time.
  3. Homework is done before they get to “go play”. (Hang out with friends/video games/TV/computer time.)
  4. If homework is not getting done or grades begin to fall, they lose privileges (“play”) until past homework is caught up and grades come up.
Have fun with this! Kids can be creative and enjoyable when they feel respected by you and know that they have a voice in the process for agreement.
For more tips and information visit “Upcoming Workshops” page.

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Posted in Control, Encouragement, families, making agreements, parenting, parenting teens, trust, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

How to deal with “lying” and create a larger circle of support for your kids

Posted on June 26, 2011 by Debi Bailey

Lying is a common problem that comes up for parents. The thing that’s really soooo bad about lying is that it destroys trust. We lose the ability to trust what they tell us. It also undermines the “moral” character that we are trying to instill.

So why do our kids lie to us? Most commonly it is because they are afraid to tell the truth because they are afraid they will get in trouble (and they will get lectured or lose privilege) or that we will freak out…or both.

One of the things that I love about working with groups is that some parents have brilliant and inspired strategies. Before I share their stories, I want to challenge you to examine a few ideas about your relationship with your kids.

1. “Mistakes” and “bad decisions” are some of the greatest opportunities we have to learn.

2. When was the last time you got punished for making a mistake or a bad decision? What did you learn from being punished?

3. What does your child learn from punishment? (Frequently they learn to “get sneakier” or to “lie better”.)

4. Would it be more beneficial for them to learn to deal with the problem they have created?  (I am, in no way, suggesting that they shouldn’t have consequences.)

5. Do you really need to know EVERYTHING that your teenager does?

6. Do you need to be “the one” that your kid talks to OR can you encourage them to have a relationship with another adult ~ hopefully one who will be available to offer them guidance and support?

7. Do you want your child to tell you the truth so that you have information about the guidance and skills they need or so that you can “catch them” doing bad things?

Stories from the front lines:

This courageous woman is a “New mother”. Her first child is a 14 year old girl whom she is adopting. When she was first confronted with lying she told her daughter why she didn’t want her to lie and what she did want: “I want to trust you and believe you.” Then she offered her alternatives: “If you think I can’t handle the truth, tell me so. Say, “I can’t tell you because I think you’ll freak out.” OR “Can I tell you now but not talk about it until you calm down?” OR “I can’t talk to you about this so I talked to my auntie about it instead.” or even, “I can’t tell you the truth because I am afraid to.” After offering alternatives she requested, “Just…don’t lie to me.”

Another mom offered her daughter a six month “statute of limitations”. “If you did something more than six months ago and I didn’t catch you, you can talk to me about it now and not get into trouble for it.” When she did this, her daughter began sharing some of the things that she had done. Mom was able to keep her word and it opened the door to be able to offer her daughter guidance, information, problem solving skills, and support in making better choices in the future.

We WANT to hear the good stuff. We NEED to hear the hard stuff. If we want to trust our children to tell us the truth, they need to be able to trust that we can handle it in a positive way…or hook them up with someone who can.

Looking for more hints and tips on parenting teens? Check out “Upcoming Workshops”.

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