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When Good Kids Say Mean Things…How to Not Take it Personally

Posted on October 31, 2012 by Debi Bailey

One of the things I frequently hear when working with parents is, “If I had talked to my parents the way my kid talks to me, I’d have been grounded for the rest of my life.” Sound familiar? Kids these days are gutsy and say things that most of us would never have dared to say to our parents.

Parents ask, “Why is that? Why do they talk like that? How do they get away with it?”  If we realize that any control we have over our child is an illusion, I think it is of more value to ask, “How can we do things differently and get better results?”

When the relationship is contentious, I always recommend that, emotionally, parents step back far enough to not get battered by the things their kids say to and about them. The trick is to find the balance so that you don’t step back so far that you lose connection. So how do you do that?

  • Take your sail out of their wind ~Allow them to blow themselves out while you avoid getting battered by their wind. Walk away. Let them know you will be back when things are calmer. Do NOT say, “When YOU are calm.” This just escalates their feelings. No good will come from that.
  • Do NOT engage with them if they are being mean or dis-respectful. YOU need to set the precedent. Re-engage as soon as the attitude changes. Do not hold a grudge. Focus on the behavior you want.
  • Do not take them places, do things for them, or buy them things when they are being/have been rude and disrespectful. It is important, when you talk to them about what you are not doing, you tell them in a way that is firm but kind. If you threaten them  or are mean when you state your limits and boundaries,  they just see you as being mean and they get mean back.
  • Underneath any misbehavior is an unmet need…usually that need is for connection and relationship. Consider spending one-on-one time with your teen.

By the time kids leave home, most parents I know have some regrets; some “I wish I woulda…when I had the chance.” In the moment, it is hard to know what things will stay with us as the years go by. Two common regrets are:

1.  “I always wish that I had spent more time with my kids when they were at home…now I have to travel to be with them.”  I’ve never met a parent who has said, “Gosh. I really regret that I spent so much time with my kids when they were younger.”

2. “I wish I would have learned not to take things personally.” Hurt feelings and big emotions really get in the way of communication and relationship.

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Posted in communication, Discipline, education, Encouragement, families, parenting, parenting teens, power struggles, temper, Uncategorized, working with parents. Bookmark the permalink.

Ask REALLY GOOD questions (so your teen will talk to you)

Posted on February 28, 2012 by Debi Bailey

When you ask your teenager questions, do you get the standard responses of: “Yeah.” “No.” “Fine.” “Nothing.” “I don’t know.”

If you are the parent of a teen, you probably know exactly what questions elicit those responses. One parent told me, “Any of those responses would be an upgrade from what we get…all we get is a grunt.”

Have you tried everything you can think of to get an actual answer from your teen? Are you wondering, “What does it take to ask questions that elicit a response?” It’s not that easy to just start asking good questions. It takes practice.

When my kids were teenagers and I was thinking about this I realized that if my kids talked
 to me, I would have an opportunity to know what was going on in their lives. And if they listened to me I would have an opportunity to be an influence.

I realized that if my kids were going to talk to me they would have to feel safe. They would have to trust me to be able to:

  •         really hear what they were saying, without putting my own spin on it
  •         respect their opinion
  •         not use that information to become suspicious of them
We WANT to hear the good stuff. We NEED to be able to hear the hard stuff.
To that end, I promised my kids that they could talk to me about anything…and that I would always do my best not to let them see how freaked out I was by the things they were telling me. We were able to laugh about that. Then they began to test the water, starting with the easy things before, eventually, trusting me to hear the hard things.

So how do you ask the kinds of questions that actually begin a conversation with your teenager? These are the kinds of questions that elicit a response rather than shut down the conversation. 

  • First of all, your kids need to know that it is safe to talk to you and that they can trust you.
  • Tone of voice is one of the most important things. You can change curiosity into scorn or shame just with your tone of voice even if you use the very same words. Be VERY careful with your tone of voice.
  • You can ask them to share (“Tell me about that”) how they came to their beliefs — as long as you aren’t trying to change those beliefs…only to understand them.
  • When you are able to listen respectfully (without interrupting, interpreting, or intervening) your kids have an opportunity to listen to themselves. As they listen to themselves, they have an opportunity to think about (and question) their own beliefs. Give them time and encouragement to do that.
  • Before you tell them what you think, ask them if they would like some feedback? If you can offer some input? If they say “no”, accept it. “Okay. Let me know if you change your mind.” (Think about this: How many of the things you tell your teen are things that you have already told them? Many times?)
  • Remember that  judgment, criticism, embarrassment, or shame will end the conversation.
  • Ask yourself… “How would I feel if someone was talking to me the way I am talking to my kid?” If the answer is, “I wouldn’t like it,” chances are your kids don’t like it either. Now is your opportunity to upgrade how you communicate so you can say, “Yes. I would feel respected if I was talked to like this.”

(Next week we will explore what happens when there is a break in communication…and how to repair it.)

Want more tips and hints? Check out “Upcoming Workshops” or “Problems with Teens”.

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Posted in communication, education, Encouragement, families, parenting, parenting teens, powerful learning, trust, working with parents. Bookmark the permalink.

The More You Talk The Less They Listen

Posted on February 21, 2012 by Debi Bailey

Do you notice that when you begin to talk, your teenager’s eyes glaze over?

And do you keep on talking?

It’s just soooo hard not to, right?

We just know that what we have to say is SO important. They need to hear it. And maybe…if we just say it one more time…or in a different way…they’ll get it/understand/change what they are doing. And yet…the more we talk, the less they seem to listen.

Think about it...By the time your kids are teenagers, how many things do you say to them that they have not heard from you…like a bazillion times already?

What is your goal when you talk to (lecture???) your teenager? Is it to get them to think or do what YOU want them to think or do?

OR do you want them to learn to think for themselves?

Sometimes we need to find out what kids already know, what they think, and how they came to those conclusions. The way to do that is to learn to ask questions…good questions. These are the kind of questions that come from “I’m curious about what you know and what you think. I don’t already know, but I’d like to.”

And then really listen to their answer.

The next question you ask should be to follow what they have said, not to try to lead them to a conclusion you want them to come to. This is a way that kids have an opportunity to explore their beliefs with you.

The main “rules” for asking questions are:

  1. If you know the answer, don’t ask the question. Don’t set kids up to lie to you by “giving them the opportunity to tell the truth.”  Most kids won’t, if they think they can get away with it. (This does not mean that you ignore something that they have done, just that you address the issue without asking if they did it.) “We agreed that you would come straight home after school today and you went to the mall instead. These are the consequences…” Rather than asking, “What did you do after school today?”
  2. Stay curious. Don’t assume you know their answer. Don’t have an answer that you want them to give you. The point of asking questions is to get information– NOT to quiz them to see if they have listened to you and can remember something that you have told them.
Asking questions is so that you can learn how your teenager perceives the world. You can give them the gift of learning how to think…not just what to think.

So take the time to find out what your kids think, or know…or think they know. If you do this well, I guarantee it will be interesting.

(Next week we will talk about how to ask those REALLY GOOD questions so that your kids will talk to you.)

Want more tips and ideas? Check out “Upcoming Workshops” or “Problems with your teen?”

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Posted in communication, education, Encouragement, families, lying, parenting, parenting teens, powerful learning, trust. Bookmark the permalink.