I spend a lot of time working with parents to help them learn new skills. I share the skill, the application, the benefit (what your child learns–how this skill applies to life lessons). I give them a handout detailing use and steps and then coach them about how they might use and incorporate this skill. They are excited and inspired!!!
When we meet the following week and I ask how it went, they say they “Didn’t have a chance to use it” or they lost their temper and just “Did what I always do” or “The dog ate my handout.”
Incorporating news skills is challenging. And “If nothing changes, nothing changes” right?
One day I was having coffee with my friend Kirstan Eventyr (who is an amazing person and wonderful resource. Check her out at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kirstin-Eventyr-MA/134149666657980) and she was sharing stories about parenting her young children. She told me about something that she calls a “Do Over”. Whenever she dealt with her kids in a way she wished she hadn’t, she would go to them and tell them she needed to have a Do Over.
I loved the idea of having an opportunity to try again. I thought of how many times I had walked away from my kids shaking my head and thinking, “I can’t believe I did/said/reacted like that…again.” I realized that we all need a Do Over from time to time.
I began to share Kirstan’s “Do Over” with my clients and realized what an powerful learning tool this could be.
Now I share the Do Over concept as a way to help parents move from theory to practice. Here’s what makes it challenging to change. You walk away from an encounter with your kid and think, “Oh yeah. I was going to try that new thing. Well…next time I’ll do that.” But “next time” never happens because the next time the situation arises, we do the same thing again and think (again), “Next time.”
Now’s your chance to change things this time!
Here is how the Do Over helps change theory to practice:
- Take a break and get calm.
- Decide/remember/review what new skill you wanted to practice using.
- Apologize if necessary, but keep it light and friendly. For example, “I’m sorry. That really wasn’t the way I wanted to handle that situation.”
- Tell them you want a “Do Over” (Or maybe, “I’d like to try that again.”)
- Practice your new skill.
- Afterwards evaluate, “What worked? What didn’t? How do I want to do it next time?”
- (You can use it to clean up any situation–with or without new skills practice.)
- With practice you get to actually learn those new skills (not just think about them.)
- You have the opportunity to create positive interactions with your teen and begin to build a different way of relating to each other.
- You show your teen “I’m not perfect” and “It’s okay to make mistakes”…especially if we learn from them/clean them up. (Don’t worry about admitting the “not perfect” part. They already know it.)
- You teach your teen how to take responsibility and make amends. (“Here’s how to clean up the mistake I made.”)